Overcoming Winter Blues
Healing from Childhood Struggles
Photo by Alex Padurariu
Are you feeling a little shivery about being with family this time of year? Or maybe you’re one of the lucky ones, totally satisfied with the familial cards you were dealt. To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone in that latter category, and I am no exception. My family has been made complicated and compromised by generations of addiction and estrangement, and is often far from wholesome.
All it takes are simple questions like, ‘So, where do your parents live?’ to dredge up painful reminders. I attempt to mute the grief, yet, much like a babbling brook that inevitably finds its path, sorrow trickles out in the answers.
It’s often in the quiet, everyday moments—those casual questions asked over coffee or by new acquaintances—that the weight of grief makes itself known. A simple inquiry, often meant with kindness or curiosity, can become a doorway to memories I didn’t plan on revisiting. Loss has a way of lingering in the pauses, in the spaces where people assume there’s a lighthearted answer. So as the holidays roll around, is sometimes difficult for me to imagine that I may never have that romanticized, fireside family dinner so ubiquitously broadcasted this time of year. As these annual reminders set in, I find myself reaching for Vitamin D supplements and buckling my proverbial seatbelt as grief unveils itself in new and unexpected layers. I have found that grief doesn’t simply vanish with time; instead, it finds a quieter place in our journey. It sits beside us, no longer steering the wheel, but reminding us of what we’ve endured and who we’ve loved. So with time, I have learned to live alongside it, allowing new joys and connections to take the lead. The longing and sadness that once led to turbulent overwhelm and the all-consuming winter blues has turned into healthy expression. Emotional tumult is no longer the harbinger of my every winter, but figuring out how to enjoy these colder, darker days has taken me some time. I’ve had to let go of old ideas about how I wish things could be, helping me make some room for new and joyful experiences. I’ve had to remain intentional with my time and be willing to try new things. So each year, like a bear preparing for hibernation, I gather up all of the resources I’ve discovered through years of healing and recovery, and one by one, I apply them like a healing salve for the soul.
Photo by Emily Rudolph
The winter months–holidays especially–can be both nostalgic and emotionally charged. Various religious and cultural traditions see this time as one of reflection, turning inward, and getting clear on what’s most important. For some, it can be a powerful and even sacred time for contemplation marked by cozy cups of tea, glowing fires in the fireplace, and time spent with the people who matter most. For others, it is a stark reminder of how those who matter most are no longer around or are incapable of coming together in healthy ways. These reminders can be so painful, especially when we look around and it seems like most of the world (and their families) are merry, jolly, and normal-ish.
It may be hard to imagine enjoying this time of year if you fall into that latter category. It was for me for a long time. I promise you that it is possible, though. The truth is that many of us do not have the idyllic family backgrounds that seem so common. Plus, winter can be hard for people in general. Us therapists tend to see a surge in caseload numbers and psychiatrists often struggle to keep up with new-client requests, leading to long waitlists. The infamous Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can make existing mental health conditions feel even worse. It makes sense then that, at this time of year, navigating difficult family relationships can feel even harder than it ordinarily does. If you want to join me in preparing for the coldest and darkest days of the year, I would love to have you along for the journey. What follows are some tools and skills that have helped me find comfort and joy in wintery times, and my hope is that you’ll find them helpful, too.
Listen to your body by getting in touch with its changes. This one is all about science. As daylight decreases, melatonin levels can rise, causing us to feel more tired and need more rest. Our immune systems become challenged, and the common cold begins to rear its head. You may experience lower energy levels and feel a greater need for more down time. These shifts in your circadian rhythm and immune system are natural. The healthiest thing you can do is embrace them. It can be hard to block out those jingling bells beckoning you to attend holiday parties or participate in mass consumerism. I have had to work long and hard at my own guilt-based gift-giving. What has helped is pausing between impulses before acting, and being more discerning about the ways I spend my time, money, and energy. Listen to your body’s request for rest by paring away any commitments that aren’t at the top of your priority list. Decluttering your schedule, and in turn, your mind can feel like a weight has been lifted. While it can be hard to let go, it can also be rewarding. Rather than running on fumes, you will be more mindful and present with the events and people that are most important to you.
Reevaluate boundaries. Setting boundaries with family and loved ones can be hard, especially if you’re introducing them for the first time. In my family, the concept of boundaries was foreign, and I had to learn over time how to skillfully set them. Even if you were taught about the importance of boundaries in your home, it doesn’t always mean your family members will take well to them. People can have all sorts of reactions to our boundaries, ranging from healthy acknowledgement to disappointment and even outrage. Fearing others’ reactions is exactly what can make setting and maintaining boundaries so scary. Letting fear dictate boundaries is something many of my clients struggle with, and understandably so. That fear is almost always rooted in abandonment and losing the people we love. However, it is also a recipe for a mental health disaster—especially for my anxious and highly sensitive peeps. Overriding our own boundaries to avoid losing connection with others can contribute to inauthenticity, burnout, and resentment. It eventually finds its way into the very relationships we are trying to protect, and sometimes the consequences are worse than the fear of lost connection. In fact, being in relationships where we are afraid to set healthy boundaries can be a good indicator that some healthy distance is in order. It can be comforting to remember that a little distance now can support a healthier relationship in the future. If you are visiting family, you may want to use this time to reflect on how you will take care of yourself while you’re with them. Ideas include: going for walks in solitude, phoning a friend, and practicing language to help you disengage swiftly from heated conversations. How much time can you spend with family before you’ve had your fill? I have learned, for example, that after joining my family for a meal or outing, I need to check in with myself and decide whether I need some time to myself or feel ready to rejoin the party. How much alone time do you need in-between swaths of socializing? What have you tried in the past at this time of year? How did it feel? Use these questions as journal prompts as you consider this year’s boundaries. It’s okay if you don’t have it all figured out in one sitting. Your boundaries will evolve over time. Take one small step or two to practice and see how it feels.
Stay connected. While alone time can be nourishing, over-isolating can lead to lower moods, loneliness, low self-esteem. Finding the right balance between socializing and taking time for yourself can be tricky, especially if you are new to it as a practice. You may feel even greater resistance to socializing if you are working on building new and healthy connections with people outside of strained family relationships. It can be hard to imagine that new and meaningful connections are available. I really understand this, and yet, I really know it’s possible, but it does require showing up on a consistent basis. I used to tell myself that my tendency to over-isolate was just me being a good introvert. Eventually, I realized that chronically canceling and avoiding making plans did not make me feel great about myself. The best trick I have for this one has two steps: First, determine what sort of balance you would ideally like to have based on your personal needs and values. Second, take actions that are aligned with those values rather than your temporary mood. Our feelings tend to ebb and flow and change from day to day and even moment to moment. Our values tend to be much more enduring, guiding us toward the things that are important and the type of person we want to be. Deciding ahead of time that you will schedule in time for both yourself and your relationships will help you maintain connection without overextending yourself. If you feel overwhelmed by new people or large social gatherings, start small! Connection can be anything from texting a friend from your couch in your pjs to attending a lively holiday party. Maybe a simple text leads to some much needed nostalgia and good phone catch-up. Connecting with others can also help you get outside of your head and curious about what is going on in the lives of others. It’s okay if you don’t initially feel like it (remember: enduring values over temporary mood). Values-based decisions tend to lead to a happier self, and a happier self means these healthy choices are made easier over time. There is no one right way to do this. Many people I know have started out by joining online communities that share their interests. Starting small can save us from all-or-nothing thinking and plant seeds for long-term, fulfilling relationships.
Replace scrolling with something more fulfilling. Being mindful of your relationship with social media is always a good idea, but the ensuing holiday season can lend itself to even greater compare-and-despair spirals. Have you ever looked up from your screen and thought, What am I even doing? And then those feelings about not being, or doing, or having enough begin to creep in? Feeling down about your current situation can often be an important step of any healing process, but it can wreak havoc if you dwell there too long. There is nothing quite like social media to amplify our perceived shortcomings times a thousand. It’s like VIP access to your own private pity party. Instead, pursue activities that are more fulfilling in the long-term than those cheap and temporary dopamine shots that social media dishes out like candy. These activities will range widely for everyone, but some ideas are:
Make a to-do list of things you have been procrastinating on, focus, and check one high-priority thing off that list.
Write a letter to someone with whom you’d like to grow or maintain connection. They may be a happy recipient and write you back!
Start a craft project.
Read one chapter in a book of interest.
Choose one cleaning/organizing task to complete.
Recall an ongoing curiosity you have and search for one youtube video that will teach you more about it.
Befriending yourself, or dare I say, your inner-child. (You’ve been primed, and now we’re gonna get into the good stuff.) I know not everyone feels as excited about inner-child work as I do, and if that’s you, bear with me. I assure you that there are some good nuggets of wisdom here. If you come from a strained family, the holidays can put those difficulties at the forefront of your mind, leading you astray from the things you enjoy as an individual. Reclaiming your own little world of imagination by making time for your inner-child to roam free can be empowering. This is not about pushing unwanted feelings or thoughts away, it’s about caring for and nurturing yourself through the emotional ebbs and flows. You can start by exploring different forms of self-expression and things that make you feel safe and cozy. It’s okay if you aren’t sure what those things are at first. Trust the process and the willingness to get to know your inner-child, which may at first feel a little touchy feely. Nourishing our child-like selves is different from being childish. It’s about carving out time for play, imagination, and special interests—things that might not come naturally if you didn’t have the kind of carefree, joyful childhood that every child deserves. Making time for ourselves in this way can organically lead to greater levels of self-compassion, which is great for mental health, and in turn, a great antidote for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Dr. Kristin Neff is one of my favorite people for self-compassion tips resources if you’re interested in learning more. When I am feeling like my kid at heart needs some loving care, I turn to Tim Burton films, reading fiction, and bundling up for a nature walk followed by a hot mug of something delicious. Finding what works for you and giving yourself permission to play, explore, and express can be energizing, supporting your more productive endeavors when it’s time to pick them up again. Start by asking your inner child what they want to do, take pause, and see what emerges. You can even take yourself on a playdate, whether it’s to a dance party in your living room or to go see a classic film that you loved as a child. If that feels a little too mush-gush for you, try putting down the need to be productive for a little while, and find an activity you can do for no other reason that to spend some quality time with yourself.
So if you’re one of those people who rolls their eyes when holiday music starts playing in the grocery store before we even hit November, you’re not alone. I do have to admit that these days, I am probably the one singing along. Whatever your cup of tea, I hope that you’ll remain open to possibility by leaning into connection, getting curious, and trusting your body’s wintery changes. May you find new ways of approaching this time of year that serve you and your wellbeing.
I know getting through this time of year can be especially difficult. We are all in different places along our journeys, needing varying levels of support throughout. If you’re struggling and are curious about working together, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me here for a free consultation. I would love to hear from you.
What are some of your favorite ways to prepare for the cold months ahead and stave off the winter blues? Join me on Instagram or shoot me an email to join in on the discussion–I would genuinely love to hear from you!
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